Joemqi's Journals

Weightless {Epilogue Re-Post}

*I was surprised to find out this didn't load properly on Buzznet. Boo. Hopefully you all can read it now. :)

It only seemed like yesterday when Josh and I were in high school and nearly killing each other with the plan that those three girls had formed for us. It was a life changing event in my life, a learning experience, one that I hope I’ll never have to go through again. Right now, I liked living in this moment, this new life with Joshua Farro. We had both managed to get accepted into a not-so-prestigious music school in Nashville. Graduation had been a distant memory, and I could say the same for high school. I still can recall how fresh I felt when graduating high school, how happy I was. It felt as if a heavy weight was taken off my shoulders, even though I knew that was far from the truth. A new, much more tedious thing would be shoved in front of my face: college. Getting through exams and applications wasn’t an extremely terrible process, but the tiny arguments that sprung up between Josh and I when choosing which college to go to was probably the hardest part. The guy got more stubborn everyday, but I’ve learned to get used to it. His personality was still perfect. At least we both had one goal in common when it came to college: we loved music. And that was the one school we wanted to both get into, a music school. Turns out we got what we wanted, attending a school right here in Tennessee.

We were both currently in our fourth year, learning the old, the new, the contemporary, and all of the musical theories possible. In depth study of ranges, vocal techniques, and songs for me, while Josh was all over the sight reading, finger movement, and guitar styles. Yes, I’ve decided to take singing seriously. Josh was already in love with his guitar, so no surprise that he took that seriously. His goal for us was to create a band. College was a breeze with Josh there with me.

I hadn’t heard from Valerie since senior year, but Jack still kept in touch. Turns out I managed to get him and Josh to reconsider their friendship, and the three of us hang every once in a while. He’s enrolled in a school of the performing arts, taking up acting. Who would have thought? Oh well, as long as he enjoys it. I hear he’s really great, I even attended one of his plays. It was Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and Jack was one of the leads. He did wonderfully in that, and I had no doubts about his future career anymore. He’d become famous for his acting. As for personality, Jack is still the same sweet person he was back in high school. Note to self: get the guy a girlfriend.

Despite Valerie not being part of my life anymore, Nicole and Cara insisted our friendship shouldn’t be thrown away, and I’ve learned to accept them again. Holding a grudge would be bad for me, anyway, and I’m not really into that sort of thing. Nicole attends an academy of the arts, writing, painting, and sculpting. She’s become a really well-rounded person, taking up any sort of challenge that comes in her way. Cara decided to take a medical course and is in med school right now, studying nursing. She always calls me to complain how ridiculously hard it is for her. I’m thinking the only reason she stays in that school is because there are good looking guys. She might feel like she’s in Grey’s Anatomy or something, I don’t know. The girl has become more open and a more serious flirt. She’s charismatic, so I’m not all surprised when I hear about yet another boyfriend. I try not to keep track of how many she’s had.

As for Josh, well, he’s still the same. He’s got those looks and years of practice with the girls going for him. The years of charming ladies makes him a flirt even though he doesn’t mean to be, and yes, the jealousy strikes up every once in a while, but I can’t blame myself. Most of the girls throw themselves at him. At least I know him well enough to assure myself that he won’t cheat. He’s promised me that, too, so I’m the one that just has to constantly remind myself.

This entire college experience has brought new friends and new people into my life. One important person was a blonde haired bassist, holding the name of Jeremy Davis. We clicked right away and it didn’t take very long for a strong friendship to grow. Josh introduced me to him during my first year here, and the rest is history. He, along with Josh, Zac, and I, practice at an abandoned shack every chance we get. It seemed as if that goal of a band was slowly but surely being accomplished. I couldn’t ask for better band members. Our personalities mixed together was a match made in heaven. The chemistry showed, and so did the goofing around. Songs were coming out from left and right, and though this sounds absurd and a band this perfect surely couldn’t be possible, for Paramore, it practically was. Paramore. That was the name we decided on. It was the only one that clicked, after numerous tries at a band name. The discussion over this took more than a few days, but when I finally suggested Paramore, the entire band was ecstatic over the name and the decision was finally made to use that as our official name. College and a band was quite a lot to juggle around, but with my determination (determination that I’ve been building up ever since my junior high school days), it all worked out.

And me? Well, for the moment I’m putting on the final touches of make up and straightening out my blouse for yet another gig we got at this nice and cozy venue. Paramore was getting lucky with gigs nowadays, and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. Another show meant more fun and excitement for me, and I loved performing for a crowd. More familiar faces showed up again and again to shows, and I hate to brag, but we were earning some die-hard fans. And this was all due to the hard work and practice that we devoted our time to. This show would kill, I just knew it.

“Once again, WE ARE PARAMORE!”

What a rush! Josh played the beginning riffs of My Heart and that was the encore. We stepped off the stage after yet another successful show.

“Woo!” Zac hollered as he ran backstage. “Success! Give me five, Jer!” Jeremy high-fived him and set down his bass on the rack, sweat trickling from his forehead. “Great show, guys!” I called, heading into my dressing room.

“Wait, wait,” Josh said from behind me, letting himself in without my consent. I all but giggled and leaned against the vanity, fixing my hair.

“Come here,” he began, curling a hand around my wrist and pulling me towards him. “Not the time,” I mumbled as he began nipping at my neck. Of course he didn’t stop, and of course I began giving in.

I could just see him smile out of the corner of my eye when he realized that I had stopped complaining. I had to get in control once in a while, but this time, I’d let him have his fun. He pushed my back against the door of the dressing room and used his one free hand to lock the door. After hearing that successful click of the lock, he crashed his lips against mine in a rush. My eyes automatically fluttered closed, delighted. Roughly he ran a tongue against my bottom lip, and a moan elicited out of me. Every time he placed his lips on mine I could just feel how much love and longing he had for me, how true and rare this really was. His hip was thrusting forward against mine. When I felt his hands running under my shirt, that’s when I knew it was time to stop.

“Josh, no,” I barely muttered as I finally got a hold of myself and pulled away from him. My tone wasn't very convincing, it was more playful than anything.

He sighed. This was not the first time he tried getting somewhere with me. But no, I wasn’t ready, and I wouldn’t let him talk me, or seduce me, into it. I loved him, sure, but it wasn’t time yet.

“Alright then,” Josh muttered and placed one more peck on the lips before turning towards the mirror and fixing himself up. “Let’s go, I have more planned for the evening, anyways.”

I rose an eyebrow. He had that mischievous grin on his face again, one that told me everything I needed to know. This “plan” he had wasn’t going to be anything of the ordinary.

After we finished cleaning up, I was expecting for Josh to follow me back to our dorm and get some decent rest. When a taxi showed up in front of the venue and Josh told me we had somewhere to go, I only followed along like a decent person, yet question after question popped up into my head and I found myself pondering the entire ride. A post lamp-lit park appeared in front of us, and my eyes searched for a picnic blanket, candles, or anything that signalled a romantic evening of some sort, but found none. Now I was really questioning something. Josh had taken me to this park before, and he had set up everything perfectly, the blanket, candles and such, but the one thing I remembered most about the evening was the one question that he popped from out of nowhere. Fear stroke up in me at the time, and I couldn’t bring myself to answer properly. We were both so young, and I was truly unsure. God knows what he was going to do tonight.

With my hand in his, we took a seat on one of the metal benches of the park, surrounded by the blooming flowers. Josh looked at me with twinkling eyes. “So…” I said, suppressing a yawn. I surveyed the park, dark and empty. There really was nothing at all set up for me and him.

“Wait a sec,” he told me, getting up and pulling a delicate, orange flower from its roots. “You know we’ve been dating a long time now.”

“Right..” I said questionably, still not understanding the reason he brought me here, or why he was acting so strange. His attitude seemed a little too pleasant.

“I know you well, and you know me well. And you know that I’m in love with you, more than you’ll ever know possible, and I’m completely and positively sure that you are the only girl I’ll ever want to be with for the rest of my life.”

Josh grabbed hold of my hand and smiled the happiest, truest smile I’ve ever seen him smile before, and handed me the orange flower that he picked. I took it gratefully, and when I leaned in to smell it, a shiny glare of diamonds nearly blinded me. I tried to hold my thoughts together and most of all, my emotions, but clearly that was not happening.

“What’s this?” I asked, pulling out the silver band, perched inside the flower.

“We’ve gone through this before, I know, but this time I’m positive and truly ready for you, but now all I’m waiting for is your answer. Hayley Williams,” he took the ring from my hands and got down on one knee. “Will you marry me?”

The question still left me in shock and caught me off guard. It was his second time asking this, at this exact same park. This question scared me more than anything, and I once again could not come out with a proper answer. Josh gripped my hand gently, and though the gesture should have calmed me down, I still couldn’t bring myself to open my mouth and speak coherently. It did nothing for my nerves.

After the wait he had to endure, I expected him to finally give up and shove the question aside like he never asked it. He was like that anyways, stubborn and sometimes impatient. But by the way his eyes stared straight into mine, expectant, I knew that this time I couldn’t run from this, from him. He was right, we knew each other for a while now and maybe it was time to vow to be together forever. I loved him, a whole lot. A family with Josh didn't sound like a horrible idea, either. Just the thought of our first baby made a hint of a smile tug on the edges of my lips. I began to nod.

“Yes,” I said giddily, laughing. “Yes!”

He looked rather shocked as he heard my answer, his eyes lighting up and looking at me in such surprise that I nearly laughed at his expression. “For real?” He told me with a voice that expressed more happiness than I thought possible.

“Of course. I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you, Hayles. A lot! A whole lot. Thank you!” He engulfed me in a tight hug, one that made the stinging nerves melt away immediately. He and I giggled and laughed and danced around the park until we both collapsed against the grass, still laughing. This could be all that I was waiting for. This could everything I’ve ever wanted, the escape from the past, true happiness. This could be our happily ever after, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

(cue the Weightless song and cut to the credits) :P

So that's it, officially the end of Weightless! It had it's fun, and your wonderful, supportive, hilarious, great comments have helped me finish it. The support and enthusiasm for this fic has been amazing. I thank you for all the buzzes and feedback that all you great people have been giving this story. It was a whole lot of fun, really. I hope you all enjoyed reading this, because I enjoyed writing it for you. Lots and lots of love and thank you again. Without you this probably would be left behind. THANKS THANKS THANKS and maybe you'll stick around for my next fic? <3

OF COURSE I'M WONDERING HOW YOU LIKED THE EPILOGUE, AS WELL. And what was your favorite part/quality/etc. about this fanfic? Answer me! :D Oooh...imagine if this fic was a movie! Haha.

Weightless {41} THE END

I'd make a scene if I had to. I didn't care if now people thought I was even more of an attention whore, or whatever. If this was all a lie, and our fight was for absolutely nothing, then I really had to do something drastic before I lost everything. Josh was one of the few people left who loved me, and truly did. I wasn't so sure if he was going to accept me after I bitched and screwed up, but it couldn't hurt to try. I was desperate right now.

I stormed into the cafeteria like I never had before, scanning the room and looking for the one face that I needed to explain things to, but the crowd of people and faces made that goal a bit difficult to accomplish. My heart screamed in my ears as I realized I couldn't find Josh's face anywhere in the crowd. No, it wasn't too late. If I couldn't find him, then he'd find me.

I wasn't really thinking about myself, or what people would think, or that this was high school and humiliation would last forever if I did this. Nope, I didn't think about any of that when I stepped up onto a cafeteria table. I didn't acknowledge the people eating as I stepped on that table, either. My mind was set straight on Josh and telling Josh everything. Where else would he be at lunch? I never saw him anywhere other than the cafeteria. I crossed my fingers tightly and hoped he'd hear this.

"Excuse me," I began in a voice that did nothing to mask the nervousness I was feeling. That feeling got worse as the room fell silent and gawked at me. "I know you all..." I cleared my throat, which felt dry and was clearly not on my side at the moment.

"I know you all saw the scene I made a couple weeks ago. To be honest, at the time I was really, really stupid and didn't even know half the things I needed to know. I had no right to be screaming or yelling those things at the person I was yelling them at, because he didn't even have a chance to explain to me."

I continued to scan the room, but all I saw were the silent bodies too immersed in the scene I was causing. I didn't call for a crowd, but inevitably got one.

I did this quickly, and figured that I still wouldn't find the face I was searching for in this massive crowd. However, in a matter of seconds the doubt slipped from my mind as I found him. I froze in place as I caught the glimpse of those brown eyes. Deep, chocolate brown that stared straight into my soul. I let out a breath as I realized he was listening. Though he looked lifeless and his face showed no emotion, I still knew that I needed to spill out everything. The simple presence of Josh in the room made me want to keep going, despite the humiliation I knew this would bring me.

"Now I realize that not listening and jumping to those conclusions was one of the worst things I've ever brought myself to do. It was wrong, and now I feel like there's nothing I can do to turn things around. But really, I'd just like you to know this."

Gulp. Maybe this would do him more bad than good, but the burning passion in the pit of my stomach was pushing out the words that I had lodged in my throat.

"Josh Farro," I made sure to connect my eyes with his, "I love you. Forgive me, please. I should have let you explain. I should have listened and not hurt you in front of a crowd, bitching at your face. And now I'm making a fool out of myself by standing here and giving this speech but...you know what? I don't really care. I love you, Josh Farro, and I'm so sorry. Of course I understand if you never want to talk to me again, because yes, I'll admit I was a giant bitch to you at the time...but right now I'm begging you, Josh, accept my apology. I made a mistake."

I continued to stand up there like a fool, impatient and needing a reply from him. The fact that he hadn't answered held me up from the temptation of just falling to the table and breaking down to cry in front of all these people.

His face was flushed red, and though he looked rather cute with that shade on his face, his expression was nothing close to cute. It was serious and hard, a mixed emotions sort of thing going on. I couldn't read it. I knew I had probably ruined his social life too, by calling him out and spilling those words unto him, but what else could I do? I barely found time to talk to him anymore, and if I held off for too long, it might have been too late.

Unexpectedly he dashed straight toward the door, walking out of the cafeteria in haste. The whole thing happened in such a blur that once I got down from the table to chase after him, he was gone from the halls.

As I stood there in the empty, uncomfortably eerie hallway, I began to question everything I just did. That was it? He didn't even respond and just ran in horror? He didn't even fight for me-for us-anymore? He gave me nothing but an unreadable face expression, one that still stuck to my mind and was all I could picture. I knew he was a mysterious person, but really? Not even a glance telling me it was okay? Or maybe it wasn't okay. Maybe that was all a mistake and my world would stay ripped apart forever.

I walked home by myself, as usual, but this time I felt more...alone. I should be used to the feeling by now, but the situation prior made the loneliness seem so strange. The feeling stayed with me and didn't leave once I got home. It only lingered and hung above my head.

A clap of thunder woke me from the nap I was taking. By now a headache had worked its way into my body, all the stress finally spreading to cover every inch of my mind. It hurt and throbbed, and my damned conscience wouldn't shut up.

He didn't fight for me.

I'm by myself now.

Why the hell did I do that in the first place? Worthless.

"Shut up," I hissed quietly to myself, though I knew all too well that wouldn't work. I turned my attention to the window and watched as rain droplets slid and covered the glass. Ah, a distraction from this pain. Pushing the covers off my body, I heaved myself off of the bed and pressed my head against the windowpane. The sky was now flashing and booming with light and sound. I did my best to ignore the reverberating headache and concentrated on the sky outside. Nothing more calming than a thunderstorm at one of your worst times. Come to think of it, my entire life consisted of "worst times". I guess I couldn't escape from them anymore. When would I be happy again?

Never?

A knock downstairs ripped me away from my depressing thoughts. Must be Jack, wanting to talk or something.

I scrambled to my feet and lazily walked down the stairs in pajamas, pulling the door open, not expecting anything other than Jack and our usual talk and coffee.

But, surprisingly enough, Josh stood there, completely soaked from the rain. Josh Farro. On my doorstep. Was I still asleep and dreaming? I felt delirious. Although he was not what I was expecting at all, that didn't mean I would stay silent and avoid him. I mean, just look where avoiding got me.

"I don't want to make this awkward," I began, my eyes completely glued to the floor. It wasn't a great conversation starter, but I blurted it out without thinking.

"Hayley," he whispered in that soft voice that I wanted to stray away from and forget but knew I couldn't. He grabbed my hand and pulled me out into the rainy afternoon without warning. "What are you doing?" I asked playfully, a smile wanting to cling on to my lips.

"I don't know anymore, Hayley! I can't concentrate and I can't live knowing we aren't okay. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and you know that, and all this time I've been wanting to speak but stayed away like a stupid person."

I pulled back a little. Was this really happening? It took me more than a few seconds to comprehend that Josh and I were standing out in the pouring rain, and he was here, talking to me. Nevertheless, I would not let the moment slip from my hands. "I'm sorry," I answered quickly, breathlessly.

"I forgive you. And I didn't talk. I didn't explain to you and I'm sorry for that, too, Hayley."

"Really?"

"Really, really. I forgive you and I hope you forgive me."

"How could I not? I love you, Joshua Farro, and I know you know that, and I know I don't need to explain how much I do because you know," I replied, beaming.

He laughed a little and pushed himself closer to me. "I love you Hayley Williams!" Was all he said before coming undone and finally attatching his lips with mine. That kiss couldn't have been anymore perfect. I fit into his body and he curled his arms around mine. We both fit together like two puzzle pieces.

I smiled into the kiss, my feelings a mix of disbelief, surprise, love, but most importantly, happiness. I felt weightless, and that was enough.

Josh Farro had lit my world up again.

The End

Weightless {40}

My usual morning routine consisted of washing my face and then leaning against the bathroom wall, back to the past, back to when I was hurting myself, but today, I decided I'd shake it up a bit. Have a bit of cereal, give myself some food, and start taking care of myself again. It was pitiful the way I let my health go, the way I just stopped caring. But something unbeknownst to me just told me I needed to gain that spark again. Eating was a start. I was so horribly thin-it was funny what harm and lack of food could do to a person.

I fixed myself a breakfast and avoided the bathroom. It's been over three weeks since the drama, and the whole thing was dying down. The scene in the cafeteria was long forgotten, and I was just another one of Josh's "girls". However, based on observation, it seemed as if he and I were holding in our pain, forcing hurtful glances towards each other when we needed to, and just suffering in silence. Josh seemed to go back to who he was, chasing after girls again. It was disappointing. I thought I got through to him, but evidently I wasn't enough. He promised he'd change. I guess now that he didn't have me, the good influence, he started to drift back to old ways. It sounds snobbish, saying that I was the one who changed him, but it was true in a way. He did change when I was with him. But I guess all good things must come to an end.

Jack was really my only friend through all of this. I can confide to the guy and I've learned to spill all my feelings to him. It's easy, and he listens. I'm thankful that we're friends again. I'm thankful I at least have one person to talk to and not suffer as a loner.

I finished up with my cereal and got dressed in a long sleeved shirt, although spring was coming right around the corner and the weather wasn't freezing anymore. Oh well. I needed to cover up these marks of shame on my wrists. I realized how close we were getting to the end of the year. The end of high school. I never really thought of the future...I didn't want to end up as boring as my mother. I mean, her life seems a little out of whack, and hopefully mine would be more exciting.

I began my walk to school and arrived right on time. The bell rang the moment I got there, and once entering the chemistry room I tried to smile at Josh but instead set it into a frown. I didn't know why I couldn't be happy when he was around. I was trying, though.

The next two periods included Josh and Nicole. I didn't talk to Nicole. I never did after that cafeteria incident. When we were forced to talk, of course I would, but otherwise we never chatted as friends. I still felt that she had some genuine concern for me, but I don't know-it wasn't enough. She was part of that trio, and they, along with the plan, ruined my life already.

Letting Josh explain to me sounded like a wonderful idea right now, but it's too late for that.

I let class pass by and the boring nature of everything just happen. I sat quietly. I was alone at brunch. I sat through fourth and fifth period, as well. Lectures. Listening. No participation...well, from me at least.

I could tell the girls did notice my changing behavior and quietness, and only Cara questioned me about it, but that was a long time ago and I gave her a rude answer. She learned to stop caring for me. She ignored me. Valerie was ignorant a long time ago. We also haven't talked since.

I don't miss them. I can't say that I do.

At lunch I made my way out of my class and knew where I was headed-towards the back of the school to act as a loner. Jack would probably join me, though I knew he had his own friends and sometimes felt guilty the way he was forcing himself to spend time with me instead of his friends. Or maybe he just cared a lot.

Before I was even half way to my usual spot at lunch, Nicole stopped me and took me by surprise. The sudden appearance made me jump internally, not used to her and her presence. She tried to smile at me, however I could see that she was having a tough time trying to set it on her face. Her hand flocked to her sides and into her jean pockets as she stood in front of me. "Hey Hayley," she began shyly, shaking just the slightest bit.

"Er...hey, Nicole," I replied awkwardly, feeling strange and questioning things in my head.

"Can I talk to you? Can...can we talk to you?" She continued cautiously, her eyes never making pure contact with mine.

"Sure."

She began walking towards a classroom and I knew she wanted me to follow, so I did. Then I realized that the two other girls, Cara and Valerie, were standing there.

"What's up?" I began casually, though the awkward nature of the situation was really getting to me.

"We have something important to tell you," Cara said, speaking up. I found her voice strange to hear, after not speaking with her for weeks. It seemed different, but that was probably due to the whole "not speaking to each other" fact.

"I don't mean to bring back any bad memories, but remember that party Josh took you to?"

I cringed and felt sick as the thought re-lived itself. I saw Josh back in that pool, wet because I had pushed him in. I saw the curl of that girl's lips around Josh's, and remembered the pain....

"You remember the girl? Who...kissed Josh?" Cara continued. I sure as hell did. That Barbie girl.

"I hired her to be there," Valerie chimed in, finally speaking.

A breath lodged itself in my throat.

It was all coming back to me. Josh was so confused, so baffled and speechless at the time. He had a hard time explaining, and now I knew why. He had never seen the girl in his life. She forced herself onto him, kissing him unexpectedly...and I didn't even let him explain.

I stayed silent, although all I wanted to do was cry myself to death and scream at the top of my lungs. The answer was so blunt and hit me like a wrecking ball.

STUPID. STUPID. STUPID GIRL.

I let out a small groan at the realization. Josh didn't cheat. He'd never. And I was so stupid to think he would. The bottled up, ridiculous pride had to win and ruin my life.

I looked up at Valerie with my mouth hanging slightly. "Why?" I finally muttered.

"We just wanted to break you up. You guys were doing so well...I said I'd back off but the failure of the plan just got to me! I'm sorry, Hayley! Truly. Please," she paused, her eyes glazed with an apologetic look. She was begging me to forgive her. And she was ashamed.

"I can't believe I fell for this," I whispered, looking towards the ground, surrounded with complete disbelief. Josh, the best thing that ever happened to me, was gone. But he wasn't gone for good. I needed to do something. I needed to talk to him.

Most of you are probably saying "I knew it!" or something, haha. :) Sorry it took a while to update this. Maybe one more chapter left an a possible epilogue? This fic is wrapping itself up.

Weightless {39}

I sat in bed that night, enveloped in such a horrid sense of guilt that I couldn't shove aside easily. It built up inside me until all my senses could feel were guilt. Stupid, disgusting guilt. I did not get a sense of pride. I did not feel dignified. I just felt horrible. I felt like the world was against me, like this huge weight had just been put on my shoulders instead of being taken off. I was feeling the exact opposite of what I wanted to be feeling. Only now did I realize that doing all that was not only wrong, but stupid. I had hurt him, and I could recall the way his brown eyes glossed up and were glazed in such a pained, sorrowful color that, even now as I think about it, chilled my bones. I let out more than a few tears, the water leaving my face damp and my make up smeared. My lip trembled as I wrapped my arms around myself, hoping I could find comfort.

But no,-the comfort the never came. It seemed to be distant and unreachable. I didn't know how to comfort myself anymore. But I needed it so desperately, and worst had come to worst. This pain was eating away at my sanity. I needed an escape.

I headed to the bathroom and locked the door behind me, my fingers trembling as I turned the lock. My heart lurched, afraid, and it sped back up to that irregular pace. My skin grew paler than usual.

I looked at the silver blade that had been the dictator of my life back then. I had never thought of using it again, but today, I didn't know what to do. My hand was so unsteady, so shaky that at first I was afraid to even begin, but I gathered all the composure left in me and sat still against the wall.

I rolled up my sweater's sleeve and revealed the arm with the fading scars. I hated those vile things, and by doing this I would only create more to hate, but something-something unfathomable-was eating away at me, telling me it was okay to release my pain, telling me this was the only way. Was I going mad?

I dug the blade into my wrist quickly before my thoughts could get worse. And there, just as the blood hang began drip, drip, dripping down my arm, I felt the release.

The sweet release.

It was enough to make me feel the bottled up pain fall out of my system. It was deep enough to make the scream I was holding in seep out, deep enough to make the hurt leave me.

I closed my eyes and rested my head back against the wall, sighing. A stray tear ran down my cheek and I wiped it off with my clean hand. One cut would be enough for today. The cutting wasn't foreign to me, I knew what it felt like, but I didn't know it would make me feel this good. This comforted. A knife could do that?

I washed my arm under the sink and cleaned the cut, rolling down my sleeve and settling back onto my bed, now content. I was so stupid, so lost, so dead, and now-I didn't feel that way anymore. I felt...at peace. My eyelids fell down and I drifted into sleep.

The following morning, I only craved for more escape. I skipped my breakfast and locked myself in the bathroom, hoping to make this quick before my mom came in to question anything. I sliced my wrist with enough depth to make me feel a little better, and wiped the blade and slid it into my bathroom drawer. Once again, I repeated the acts of the night before, washing the cut carefully this time and layering two sweaters over it. I couldn't believe myself. Was I really doing this?

But still-it felt great. I was so...at peace...after that. And peace was all I really asked for now.

Throughout the week, I had been withdrawing myself from friends, and soon just simply leaving school during all the free time we had to go back home, eat lunch alone, and come back to sulk and never participate in anything I wasn't obliged to participate in. My attitude became dry, showing no signs of happiness anymore, and I acted as if someone close to me had died. Most would say that there was no use in sulking, it was only a break up, but to me...this was a huge deal. A giant deal that led me back to cutting and depression.

Farro. He was ruining my life from day one.

Yes, friends did come in to consult me, asking questions that I heard far too many times, "What's wrong with you?" or "Why are you so sad?"

Apparently high school did not understand that sometimes, they just had to let a person grieve alone. The constant questions and attempts at comfort did not help at all, and I just wanted to shove them all away in the rudest way possible. I hated them. I hated people. I wanted to leave, to ditch, to stop. No one was there to help me anymore, and I couldn't even talk to my mom anymore. I was turning into someone I knew I would never become. This was worse than Mississippi. This was worse than what my father had been driving me to.

I do remember one conversation with Jack, one that was held on my front porch steps. I had no trouble talking to him and letting it all out, for that I had done a lot of times already.

"You've been looking like hell," was the first thing he said, after following me back home during lunch. We took our seats on my front porch steps and I stared out into the blank road.

"Talk to me, Hayley. I hate seeing you like this."

I brought my arms up and hugged myself, feeling the cold wind brush against my skin. It was strange, speaking, after I hadn't spoken in days.

"It's Josh. Stupid Josh and Valerie, and Cara, and Nicole. My friends...who...aren't really friends anymore, Jack. If I told you the entire story you'd probably think it was all an insane exaggeration."

"I'm open, and I'm here right now, aren't I? So why don't you just...let it out? Tell me."

I blinked at him twice, finding his eyes and seeing the extreme care in them. He really did want to know, and not just for gossip. Jack genuinely cared. I needed that now.

And so I told him everything, from day one and onward, and the story had dragged on longer than I thought possible, for when I glanced down at my watch lunch was already over and sixth period had started. We were going to be late for sure.

But I did finish it, and Jack only looked back at me with a strange stare, one uncomprehendable and showed mixed emotions. I didn't even realize I was crying, until now, that is. My face was damp from lonely tears that didn't have my permission to slide down my cheeks. Jack looked like he was trying to smile, but it only came out as an awkward, lopsided one. He used the back of his hand to wipe a tear from my face and cupped one side of my cheek with his hand. "Hayley," he breathed, sounding as sad as I had been these past days. "That was...a lot. I can't believe you actually followed through with it!"

I tried to laugh at his remark but the chuckle never came out.

"I think you and Josh deserve each other, those girls had just been in your way. You let them get in the way of something special. And if you only let Josh explain, instead of making that scene in the cafeteria, then maybe things would have worked out. Now look at you, Hayles. Lonely. Depressed. I hate seeing you like this."

I found myself smiling just the slightest bit, liking how comforting it was feeling his hand against my cheek.

"And if things don't work out between you and Josh...I'm still here," he added with a chuckle. I giggled and punched his arm lightly. But then I just snuggled into his chest. "Thanks, Jack. I owe you one."

Updated, because I was feeling inspired. :) I really appreciated all the wonderful, supportive comments on the previous chapter. You guys have no idea how good you made me feel. I love you guys so much. And I appreciate all the support for this story. I really, truly do. Thank you for all the love. Thank you for everything. I'm glad I finally got all this out. Hope you all still stick around. (Okay...that whole message kind of sounded like a song. Haha.)

Weightless {38}

It was surprising how I didn't find myself questioning my decisions for the rest of the school day. I had somehow convinced myself that breaking up (officially) with Josh wasn't such a bad idea. It could have been worse, right? And what he did...it was unforgivable. Well, that's something that I've been convincing myself too.

Hopefully it would all be worth it. Hopefully I'd find some happiness in this.

I headed towards the girls during lunch to discuss the final scheme. I felt as if I was involved in that damn plan all over again, but it made me feel so superior, so utterly powerful that I couldn't just rip myself away from it. I had to go with it.

"I know exactly what you need to do," Valerie said, looping her arm with mine and leading me over to a stray bench in front of a classroom. "You drop your books in front of him," she handed me books, "And he'll pick them up most probably. Then he'll follow after you. Make your way to the cafeteria. Make a scene. Break his heart in front of a giant crowd. You'll feel weightless after that. A good break up always makes a girl feel happy."

I couldn't help but agree with her. I didn't know if what she was saying was completely true, but it sounded so convincing coming from that girl's lips.

With my books in hand, I hurried over into a hallway and searched for Josh among the crowds of people. It wouldn't be too hard to pick him out, I had memorized what he was wearing today. White jacket, black shirt, dark blue skinny jeans. His jacket would make him stick out from the crowd.

Fortunately, my thoughts were correct. Josh stood a mere few yards away from the cafeteria doors, his clothes making him stick out like a sore thumb. I had just enough time to initiate the plan.

I had no trouble dropping my books and having him notice. I had a short moment of doubt when I realized no one was coming to help me out, but when two large, familiar hands grabbed hold of my calculus textbook, I was satisfied.

Time slowed for just the tiniest moment when his hand brushed against mine.

But I had no time to waste. I nodded at him and made sure not to smile, slowly beginning my stride towards the cafeteria doors. Once again doubt seeped into my mind. I slowed my pace, realizing there was no one calling after me, no voice desperately chasing after my steps. Wait, so he really didn't care? To him, we must have been done with, over-

"Hayley, wait!"

Ah. A smile, mischevous, crept across my face.

But despite the happiness, my heartbeat nervously picked up. Bang, bang, bang. It didn't seem to slow down.

In my head, I had a clear idea of what to do, for it was all planned out just moments before. But I was still skeptical. I couldn't explain it, but I was still unsure with myself. Unsure of how it would all turn out in the freefall.

Nevertheless, I continued on, heading inside the cafeteria now.

"Hayley," he breathed again, this time gripping my wrist with his hand. Once again, time slowed at the touch. The chatters of students became thin and distant. His eyes searched for mine.

I wanted to both smile and frown at the same time, yet my mind couldn't make up which one I should do. Josh was still...in my heart, somewhere. No matter how much I tried convincing myself it was over between us...I couldn't. How could I? He was one of the first serious, full relationships I had.

My lips settled into a hard, straight line.

We were in the middle of the cafeteria now.

"Please let me explain," he whispered, so lowly, obviously not wanting any sort of attention to be drawn to us.

I willed my heart to stop beating in such an annoying, irregular pace. It was making the plan much harder to finish. I had to get this over with, though. I needed that sense of pride again. He wouldn't bring me down this time. I refused to be one of his "girls".

My stomach did turns. It twisted and knotted and I felt physically sick and dismayed. Seconds ticked by.

"No!" I exclaimed, louder than I ever thought possible, and shoved him aside. That got people's attention for sure.

"What?! Hayley, you don't even know the entire story-"

"I know enough that you cheated on me, you sick bastard!"

"Well if you had let me explain you would have-"

"Just admit it, you fucking liar!"

I found my fury, my rage, breathing hard. Only now did I realize he had a grip on my wrist again. I tore out of his grip easily this time.

"You don't even know the entire story, and you won't fucking listen to me! What the hell is wrong with you? Since when have you been such a giant bitch?!"

The cafeteria fell silent when he said that. His chest heaved up and down, the pace of his breaths as irregular as mine.

"You know what, Hayley? I don't see what's worth fighting for anymore. You want to be done? You want this to be over?"

"Yes!" I cut in quickly, wanting to be the one to break up with him. "We're over, Josh. This time, you aren't going to be the one leaving me."

I took a breath. The pain that swelled in my chest drove me to keep going. To make him feel some of it, too.

"I'll be the one leaving you."

Guys, as much as I hate to admit it, updates will be a lot slower after this. I'm going through a death in my family right now, and there's just so much hurt that I have to deal with. I'm sure a lot will be in my way and I won't be able to pull out another chapter as quickly. Again, I'm sorry, and I just need some time. I hope you all understand. I'll probably be withdrawing from the internet for a few weeks as well, so once I come back to Buzznet, hopefully some of you guys fill me in on any fanfics that you've started/updated or any events that have gone on here. Thanks in advance.

And before you all freak, no, Weightless will not be left behind. I will still continue it.

Weightless {37}

The inevitable Monday rolled around the corner. I dressed in the most non-revealing, normal, civilized clothing that I could, hopeful that I'd fit into the crowd and not be called out or anything. Who knows, some people might have caught the drama that happened during the weekend. It was all out of my hands now.

I staggered to the bathroom and splashed water onto my face to wake up. My eyesight was still in a blur, and I had to rub it quite a number of times before it focused and snapped back to normal. I dared to look into the mirror, immediately regretting my decision as I stared back at the repulsive girl in there. My hair was twisted in a bunch of knots, and my lips were dry and pale, matching my skin. I cringed instinctively, ripping my gaze off the mirror and grabbing for a hairbrush.

Oh well, wasting my time on my appearance wasn't such a bad idea. Who cares about getting to school early, anyways? It was better to avoid the place.

I began with the eyeliner and worked my way through my face, using all the lip gloss, eyeshadow, and blush that I could, carefully applying them. I didn't want to look like a clown, of course. In the end, I had applied just enough to pass off as normal. Skipping breakfast, I headed out the door and began my steady walk towards the school. There was only five minutes left until the first bell rang, but like I gave a damn. Like I always did when I wanted to avoid school, I walked slowly, oh so very slowly.

The slow walking paid off in the end, for there were no more students to be seen around campus when I arrived. I glanced down at my watch and read the time. I was seven minutes late to school. This usually wasn't supposed to please a person, but it did please me. A smile crept onto my lips as I walked into our school office, proudly grabbing my tardy slip with a smile, something that must have puzzled the office secretaries, no doubt.

I dreaded the view of the chemistry room door. And when I realized that I sat next to Josh in that class, the matter got even worse.

Perhaps I could take the seat next to Jack again. It wasn't occupied.

I find my hand trembling as I gripped the icy doorknob of the chemistry room, exhaling as I pushed it open. All eyes in the room felt plastered onto me as I stepped in. All eyes except one pair. Josh's. He was making a supreme effort to ignore me.

"Miss Williams," Mr. Nash says, obviously annoyed that I disrupted his class. "Take your seat, please."

I handed him the tardy slip and shuffled over towards my seats. My mind could not make a decision on which seat to take, but in the end, I slipped into the seat with Jack beside me. While sitting there, I could feel the heat of Josh's eyes staring deep into my skull. I hated the feeling.

Jack seemed surprised that I grabbed this seat. He didn't speak though, no questions asked. Thankfully.

Mr. Nash didn't notice, either. Hopefully he wouldn't notice that I had switched my seats yet again.

"So..." Jack began, as we began taking notes from the textbook. "What brings you over here in my neck of the woods?"

I knew he was trying to bring humor into the picture, but I just couldn't bring myself to smile. "I just need to avoid that...person. You know."

"Ah, right. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring back any bad memories."

"No worries. Let's just focus on the note taking, okay?"

Jack placed his hand lightly over mine and squeezed it gently. "I'm here for you, as a friend, of course. If you want to talk...we can, okay?"

I looked up at his smiling face and my heart's racing speed finally slowed. "Thank you," I said.

In the middle of the period, I took Jack up on his offer to talk, since Josh was somewhere in the back of the classroom and had no chance of hearing my complaints about him. It turns out all I needed today was someone to confine to, and Jack was that person. It surprised me that he was willing to listen and respond to all this chick drama that I was dealing with. I was basically whining to him the entire time, blabbing angry (not to mention, annoying) words that would have made even a therapist, or any skilled expert, roll her eyes and run off.

"Well," he sighed, as I finished my rant about Josh, "I suggest you go talk and get things straight. I mean, you didn't give the guy a chance to explain. What the hell, Hayley?"

"Hey!" I exclaimed defensively. "I thought we were on the same side."

"Josh still has a lot of explaining to do, though, and I think it's time you hear his side of the story before getting all angry," Jack answered.

I brought two fingers to my forehead and rubbed my temples, looking down towards our lab table. "Touche."

He chuckled, accepting victory.

"Drama. I hate drama," I said.

The periods after weren't very huge problems. Josh still continued his act of ignoring me, not acknowledging me when I brushed past him or looked at him, and that made the pain in my heart swell just a little more. No matter how much I tried to avoid crossing paths with him, I really couldn't avoid the guy. We had five classes together. I couldn't avoid him at all.

I was grateful when third period ended and I was released to brunch. It was slightly awkward walking out and not having any friends beside me, but it was all my fault that I had none now, anyways. Might as well get used to the silence and loneliness. I screwed up big time.

As I walked through the quad and tried getting myself into "loner" mode, an unexpected Valerie and Cara approached me. Nicole was trailing just behind them, too.

"Where's Josh?" She asked. My body winced at the sound of the pure victory in her voice. I felt completely worthless when standing in front of her, even though I shouldn't have.

"Not here," I replied, trying to mask my shrinking confidence and holding a proud tone. I even lifted my chin up a little bit, just for added effect.

"Look, we know what happened. I was there during that party. It was the talk of the entire thing, so of course I got every single detail. Pretty harsh, if you ask me." Her voice was more resigned now. Soft, and...caring. Huh.

"I just want to help. You want to hurt him back, right? I mean...cheating is serious shit. And hey, I hate to say 'I told you so', but I guess it's the best phrase for this moment, huh?"

I considered it for a minute. Josh really did hurt me, quite deeply. I wanted to hurt him back, I really did, but what good would that do?

Still, the offer sounded wonderful.

"What do you suppose I do to...hurt him back?" I asked her. Valerie smirked and I could see the sparkle in her eye.

"Simple. I assume you guys haven't officially broken up yet. I think you should go break up with him, in front of the cafeteria where everyone can see. This time, it's not Josh that will break up with the girl. It's the girl that will break up with Josh. We'll finally get him back! I can just see the look on his face now."

The pure enthusiasm in her voice was close to persuading me. She was right. I could turn it around this time. Josh could feel my pain. I needed him to.

"I...could. We haven't officially broken up yet, anyways," I began. Valerie nodded happily and grabbed both of my wrists, unnaturally excited.

"Good. I'm so glad, Hayley. See? You've still got that bad girl in you. I'm glad you're not a total failure."

A few more chapters and Weightless will soon be wrapped up. Everything will be revealed in the next few chapters, so stay tuned! :D

Weightless {36}

When the tears had dried up and there were no more that spilled from my eyes, I pulled out my phone and looked through the contacts. I didn't want my mom to come get me. She would interrogate me about Josh and how everything had gone down between us. I didn't feel like re-living those moments, especially in detail. I scrolled through the addresses, ignoring Josh's name when his number popped up, and then pausing when I realized there was one person who could pull me out of this misery.

He picked up immediately, totally alert.

"Jack?" I asked meekly, tightening my hold on my cell phone. "Could you come pick me up?"

"Sure," he answered softly, though I was sure there were a million questions he was wanting to ask. "Where are you?"

My eyes scrolled all over the place, looking for the sign that showed the title of this park.

"Um...Harrison Park," I said, my voice weak and airy. "In the kid's playground."

"I'll be right there," he said in an assuring tone, hanging up.

I shivered in the night air, and though Jack's comforting voice was supposed to make me feel secure, I still felt unsafe here. The lights in this park were dim and old. Trees towered above me everywhere, hiding the moon. A river trickled in the distance. The worst part of it all was that there was barely any light, the only thing filling the park was complete darkness.

My grip on the chain of this swing tightened as I heard the voices of men.

Their feet were scurrying forward, and, if I wasn't mistaken, they were close to my location.

"See that?" One of them whispered in a raspy voice. The blood in my body froze.

"Yeah, she's nice lookin'," another agreed. Three other voices chimed in, drunkenly saying "yeah," or "you're right". The smell of cigarette smoke circled in my lungs. Great. They were high and drunk. And, obviously, eyeing me.

The speed of my heartbeat rose considerably. I sat frozen in my spot, my mind unable to tell me how to react or what to do. Running would provoke them, and a chase would happen. I'm sure my feet would give in and I'd be raped on the spot. I could fight them, but one girl versus five men would end in disaster. Then again, they were drunk. Maybe I'd have some advantage.

My nerves kicked in when I felt a calloused finger brush against my collarbone, raising the hairs on my body.

"You're real pretty," one said, his warm breath against my skin. It let off a foul stench, one that made you want to turn away and gag.

"Don't touch me," I warned, though the way I said it just unmasked the fear I was trying to hide. There was no confidence in my tone. Just a tremble that I couldn't hide.

"Oh come on darlin'," another added, standing in front of me. "We just want to play."

I still sat in the swing, now encircled by a group of men. "Please don't hurt me," was all I managed to choke out.

They laughed amongst themselves and continued touching my skin. I pulled my arms away roughly, ready to run. At the moment another one of the men placed a hand on me, I flung myself off of the swing and tried to carry myself forward. For a moment I was fully convinced that I could escape the situation, but my thoughts were proved wrong. I instead stumbled into the cold sand of the playground, one of my cheeks blanketed in the dirt. The men laughed disgustingly once more.

"You're a weak one, little girl," they commented, tugging on my elbow and heaving me upward. I grind my teeth as I remember how strong Josh's grip on my elbow was, back at the party. There was no use in fighting it.

But I did my best. Trying to pull back, I used all the energy I had in me and roughly tried tearing my arm away. The man's grip loostened a little, but I did not give in. Pulling away, I gained momentum and jerked my arm backward, completely free from the man's hold. In those moments I thought I could breathe again, but that breath lodged itself in my throat as another man grabbed for my arm.

I let out the highest, most ear piercing scream I could.

Suddenly, another hand, one new and familiar, grabbed my shirt from behind and flung me backwards. The men stopped in their tracks.

"Run!" Jack told me, and I simply followed. I let my feet carry me forward as fast as they could. For a moment I feared Jack wouldn't make it back, but that fear dissolved as I heard him follow from behind. The men only cursed at us in their drunken voices, too lazy to follow after me. They yelled and grunted out incoherent words, but Jack and I had only one target: his car. We pulled the doors open and his tires squealed as we sped away.

"God, Hayley, you sure love getting into trouble," he said breathlessly, but a smile played on his lips.

"In my defense, that was trouble that I didn't walk into. I was just sitting on the swing and they approached me."

"You should just be glad that I was there in time," he continued, running a hand absently though his brown hair. "If anything happened to you..."

He paused, not finishing that sentence, and casually shook it off.

"Anyways," he began, his tone new and calm, "Why isn't Josh bringing you home? And why were you in that park in the first place?"

I cringed as my mind re-lived the moments of that party. The staring, the rich kids...even the sound of the splash Josh made in the pool still rang loud in my ears. All so vivid.

"Long story," I sighed, and that ended his questioning.

I occupied my mind with other things, trying my hardest to avoid the sound of Josh's voice playing in my mind, or the way his hands felt when I held them at that party. He was so comforting, and my hand fit perfectly against his, intertwined so-

Oh, stop it.

He doesn't deserve you anymore, after what that bastard probably did. He sinned against me, did he not? I let out a long breath as Josh continued to occupy my thoughts. I didn't really give him a chance to explain. And I've learned that jumping to conclusions isn't such a great idea.

My head began to throb. You think too much, Hayley.

Wanting to will away the horrible throbbing, I turned the volume of the radio up louder. Until now I didn't realize that the radio was even on.

A contemporary smooth jazz was playing. I didn't even notice that, either.

"What is this crap?" I complain, rather rudely. I clear my throat and shake my head. "I mean," I begin, smoothly, "Can't we listen to something else? Something that will make all this anger just...dissolve?"

Out of the corner of my eye I see Jack smirk. "I've got just the thing," he assures me, playing with the radio dial for a bit before he settles on a station I wasn't expecting.

Loud, screamo music blared from the speakers.

For a moment I was overwhelmed, for I wasn't used to this type of music, but I found the singer's heavy voice beginning to calm the sad, painful anger that was churning inside of me. It was strange, the way loud, annoying music just soothed me. I never knew it was even possible.

My head leaned back and I let the glare of street-lights fill my vision, the music filling my ears. Finally. Calm, easy serenity.

When we finally get to the front of my house, Jack parks against the curb and we sit in silence for a good minute before I finally find the will to speak.

"Thanks," I say, of course. "For the ride. And for saving my ass back there."

"All in a day's work," he answered charmingly, flashing me a nice grin.

My lungs settle as the awkwardness between us dissipates, and I slide out of the passenger seat with ease. "See you at school," I tell him. He nods at me and waits until I walk into the house before driving away.

I don't even bother to fix myself up a snack or dinner, even though my stomach was roaring and practically begging to be fed. The only thing I needed was a long, good night's sleep.

My bedroom was covered in such a dark blanket of night that it chills my bones the second I walk in. But the moonlight streaming in through the blinds is nice to see. Stripping off the clothes from my body, I throw them on the floor and collapse onto my bed. I didn't realize how horribly tired I was until this moment. I just hoped I'd just get some sort of peace tonight, because I knew that sooner or later, I'd have to face the truth and wake up to cold, bitter reality.

I really like this chapter. I'm sorry it's a bit filler-y, but I promise things will all make sense once she gets back to school. :)

Yo, Buzznet! You are cordially invited to this listening party!

Hi guys!

It's time for the Buzznet-wide listening party for Brand New Eyes. The directions are simple:

1. Listen to Brand New Eyes, from track 1 to 11, the whole way through.
2. While you listen to each song, write in comments HERE, on this post.
3. In your comments, you can include a simple "I'm listening to CAREFUL right now and I love it so much!" or go in more detail and say "I love this lyric from WHERE THE LINES OVERLAP, -insert that lyric here- !!" or anything else!

Got it? :)

Stream the entire album, and as you listen, COMMENT ON THIS POST WITH YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT EACH SONG! YOU CAN COMMENT AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE! SPAM THIS SHIT!

Simple enough, right?

Join in now! You can do it right now, dude. I'll be doing it too.

COMMENT LIKE CRAZY!

P.S.-Yes, I know this is somewhat like the Twilight liveblog that Mark hosted not too long ago, but I thought it would be fun to have a Brand New Eyes version of that. If you don't like it, don't join it.

Weightless {35}

IMPORTANT CHAPTER!

It's kind of funny how a simple gesture, such as a hug or holding hands, would strike the chord of an entire school. It had first started out as a rumor I had to confirm numerous times, (so many curious girls asked me the same question-"Are you and Josh Farro really going out?!"-again and again, which was fun at first, but soon became an annoyance) but by the end of the week, everyone soon processed the truth in their heads and realized that Josh and I were, indeed, a couple. I found it hard to believe how a school full of teenagers with decent minds took this long to figure out that Josh and I were dating. Hadn't we made it obvious enough? I sat with him and his friends every lunch, we sure showed public affection here and there, (much to the dismay of the teachers, who yelled at us and warned us countless times) and it really didn't have to take this long for people to decode everything. But maybe that's just me. Maybe I just think everyone is slow with their thought processes.

Wow, that's nice to say, Hayley.

Sarcasm.

I looked over the reflection of the girl in the mirror, the girl coated in make up and wearing a low cut shirt for the first time ever since that plan. I didn't want all those clothes the girls bought me to go to waste, and I was only wearing it today because Josh was bringing me to his friend's country club. If this was just a simple Josh and Hayley date, I wouldn't even consider pulling on this trash. It reminded me too much of before.

Speaking of before, none of the girls had blabbed yet. It took me by surprise, how I didn't find anyone talking about me in a bad way, or even mentioning Josh being toyed or played around with. I expected that by now our relationship would be long gone, forgotten by Josh, but it wasn't. I couldn't be so sure that everything was fine yet, though. For all I know, the girls were plotting behind my back.

I stopped the thought before it could get any uglier.

A honk from outside signaled me that Josh was already here. I stuck my head out of my bedroom window and waved at him, telling him I'd be just a minute.

I looked over myself again, searching for any sort of smudge or pimple that wasn't covered up. I never cared this much about my reflection before, but I assumed it was normal for a girl to be stressing over how she looked when she had a boyfriend. Was Josh changing me?

No, Hayley, he's not. Those girls are just getting in your head again.

I darted out of the house and pulled open the door of Josh's car, giving him a side of the mouth kiss before settling into my seat.

"That color looks nice on you," he told me, smiling my way before looking back toward the road.

"Thanks," I answered. "So this club. Is this get-up good enough?"

He looked me over once again. "You look amazing," he commented. "Don't worry about what you're wearing."

I smiled and set my head back against the headrest of the car, enjoying the music that played over the radio. I assumed the CD that was playing was one of Josh's mix CDs, for he did have a knack for creating those. Songs near and dear to me played throughout the entire car ride, which made the atmosphere comfortable and fun, to say the least. He hummed along with the songs and I tried to restrain the urge to sing, but I found that I couldn't hold it in much longer.

Josh didn't mind when I belted out Jimmy Eat World at the top of my lungs. He laughed, actually. He didn't join along, but I assumed that was because he had too little confidence in himself. I needed to help him out with that. The boy had told me about how horrible he thought his voice was, but I refused to believe it. There was a voice in there. I needed to bring it out.

Once Josh and I had arrived at the country club, a valet appeared at the front of the building and insisted that he park our car. You know your place is fancy when you have valets who refuse to let you park your own car.

We walked into the club, hand in hand, and stepping into it was like stepping into someone's personal castle. The chandeliers were hung high on the ceiling, so big they could double as wrecking balls. The floor was black and white checkered tile, and the wallpaper was posh, matching the floor. A man-I couldn't tell what his exact job was-directed us toward the ballroom, where kids much richer than me were dressed in clothing that was well over my price range. On one wall was a large window that overlooked a golf course, and I could vaguely make out the dark shilhouettes of people walking around out there. A long table sat on another corner of this ballroom, where the food on it was decorated with uneccessary little details, such as mint leaves or plastic decorations. Even the bowls looked expensive.

Rich people spend far too much time and money on frivolous little details.

A girl approached Josh and me, giving Josh a large Hollywood-style hug, and looking over me once before leaning in to hug me as well. I'm sure she contemplated wether to hug me or not, for she didn't know me and I didn't know her, but I bet she realized Josh and I were a couple and that was a reason for the hug. This girl was covered in way too much perfume, choking me a little as she loosely wrapped her arms around me.

She shot me a forced smile before turning her attention back to Josh. "So you guys are together?" She questioned nonchalantly.

"Mm-hmm," Josh nodded, giving my hand a squeeze. "My girlfriend's name is Hayley. Hayley, I'd like you to meet Delilah. She's the host of this party and invited us."

"Nice to meet you," I said, returning her forced smile with a forced one of my own.

"That's great! I hope you guys have fun here. I recently renovated the golf course outside, you could check it out if you want. But for now, enjoy, dance."

"We will," Josh said, speaking for me. "I'll see you later Del."

Delilah let out an airy laugh and crooked her fingers, waving a tiny goodbye and walking away.

Josh leaned in and put his lips to my ear. "She's such a snob," he whispered, and I chuckled. "Agree," I whispered back. Josh proceeded to coil his arms around my waist, aware of the fact that I was completely nervous standing in a place where I didn't belong. Rich kids. Everywhere. And me? A normal, middle class person. No where near as rich as they were.

"You feel like going outside?" He offered, still completely aware of my discomfort.

I smiled up at him. "Yeah, let's go."

The golf course outside was everything I expected it to look like: the richly trimmed grass, sloping hills, bushes lining the walkways, and even a lake sparkled out in the darkness. This place was perfect in every way, but that wasn't huge surprise.

Josh led me to a bench that was directly across a pool, which looked so inviting, to be honest. It sparkled like the lake and was the cleanest, prettiest blue I'd ever seen. But of course, I couldn't imagine walking back into that ballroom soaking wet. It would have been funny to see the look on all those kid's faces, though.

Josh tilted his head and shot me a questionable glance. "So what was up with your complete dislike towards me?"

"What?"

"You know, before we dated you obviously hated me. I mean, all the remarks and hurtful words..."

"Hey! I don't think I was that hurtful towards you-"

"Asso?"

I chuckled at the sound of the old nickname we had for him. It had been a while since I've heard Asso being substituted for "Farro".

"Okay," I admitted in defeat. "It was sort of mean. But we could forget that."

"Forgetting isn't that easy to do, Hayles."

"Oh come on. I don't hate you now. So don't go around carrying a personal grudge bag."

Josh pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arm around me. "I guess you're right," he said with a shrug. "I mean, it was sort of long ago."

"Right," I uttered, only to emphasize what he just said. "Forget, forget, forget."

"You're amazing, Hayley," he said, and before I could reply with my overly proud "I know!", he connected his lips with mine. It was nice, feeling so warm in the cold night air. I pressed my lips harder against his.

"What the heck are you doing, Josh?!"

My head pulled backward and immediately looked toward where the girl's voice was coming from. "Who is this?" That girl asked, hands on her hips, the expression on her face scaring the shit out of me. The girl didn't look very familiar, but surely she knew who Josh was. That didn't take a lot of figuring out to do.

"So I'm guessing everything we had meant nothing," the girl continued ranting, and for a moment I considered the fact that she could just be a crazy lunatic.

And by the looks of it, Josh was considering this too.

"What are you talking about?" He asked her, standing up to face the girl properly.

"We've been meeting up at night for months now, Josh. And I see you kissing this...this trash?"

"Excuse me?!" I cut in, standing up as well. "And you two have been doing what?"

Josh stayed silent.

"Josh?!" I asked again, yet his eyes refused to meet mine and shot around in all directions.

"Well, is this true?" I asked, yet this time I faced the girl. She only nodded, her face so serious it made me skeptical, uneasy.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Josh added, tentative. I'm sure he tried hiding the tremble in his voice, but it was loud and clear judging by the way he spoke.

"Oh please," the girl replied, and just like that, she pushed herself toward Josh and kissed him.

"Oh hell no!" I exclaimed, unable to take anymore of this. I advanced and forced my feet forward. Footsteps quickly followed suit behind me, and soon a strong grip was placed on my elbow. "Let me explain!"

"Let go of me," I told Josh persistently, attempting to pull my arm away. No use.

He pulled my body closer so he could grab my full attention. With his face inches from mine, he said lowly, "Listen to me."

Couldn't he understand the meaning of "let go of me"? I meant it, and he should have let go if he had a decent brain and could register that. The boy knew I could beat him to a pulp. He didn't have to mess with me.

With one final burst of energy, I pushed him to the side, his grip on my elbow successfully loosening.

Until now I didn't realize how close the pool was to both of us. His arms flailed wildly before he tumbled and created one large splash, many people around us witnessing the event. My exit was dignified, and though it should have made me feel good, the only thing that throbbed in my heart was pure pain.

I walked past the multiple people that stared at me with open mouths, but I found it easier to just ignore their expressions as I pushed past and headed out the door. That way I didn't have to deal with the realization that I had just pushed my boyfriend into a pool and humilated him in front of many people.

But he deserved it.

Or did he? I didn't really let him explain.

Guilt began to effervesce from my mind, yet it disintegrated into nothing as I thought back to that stupid girl. How could he cheat on me? Or was he cheating on me?

God, here it goes again with the explanations.

I wish I knew more.

But Josh simply didn't protest enough. He didn't convince me everything that girl was saying wasn't true. As much as I wanted to believe it, he just acted like a chicken back there. He didn't even stand up for me when she called me trash!

I sighed. It all must have been true. And how could I forgive him after all of it?

I was cheated on, wasn't I?

I almost broke into sobs, but I couldn't let the tears out. Not here. For all I knew, Josh was still trying to catch up from behind.

I ran from the country club as fast as I could, pulling off my uncomfortable heels and heading toward the nearest park I could find.

Holding onto the chain of a swing, I pressed my forehead against my hand. How could he do this to me? He loved me. Or, at least I thought he did. I hated to think that this was all a lie. But that's what everything seemed to be now.

My eyes finally blurred up and broke out into salty, familiar tears.

You Know I Need You ONESHOT

I was listening to The Maine and found some inspiration in their lyrics. This short oneshot is based off of their song, I Must Be Dreaming, and the entire story is basically derived from the lyrics. I hope you like it as much as I do. :)

The room we were in was bathed in a gorgeous shade of light yellow, giving me the knowledge that it was now a new day. It brought a smile to my face for some reason, and that smile only got wider once I caught the eye of the stunning redhead lying beside me.

Her eyes were soft, the same beautiful green that I fell in love with since the first time I saw them. Her lips still looked as inviting as ever, tinted a shade of natural pink that looked perfect against her white-as-milk skin. When she runs one finger up and down the side of my arm, glimpses of the night before played again in my head, reminding me it all just wasn't a sweet, sweet dream.

Although she was smiling, I knew that in that brain of hers, she was dealing with the guilt and regret. Once again, we had snuck behind her boyfriend's back and hooked up for, oh I don't know, the twentieth time this month. Or more, I lost count.
I tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
"Hello, Josh," she greets me in her tired and raspy voice. I find it kind of pathetic how my heart skips a beat every time she says my name.
I press my lips against hers in response to that "hello", and she wearily kisses back. It's a strange kiss, one that's innocent and slow, her lips barely moving with mine. I pulled away and frowned.
"I don't think I can do this anymore."
Hayley sighed and pressed her head to my bare chest, tracing light circles on the muscles of my stomach. "Me either."
"So why don't we tell Chad already? We've been keeping this up for too long."
"I'm not ready to tell him," she countered, wheeling her head upwards and meeting my gaze. "It's too soon."
"Too soon?" I laugh, a bit obnoxiously, but I stopped once I realized Hayley wasn't laughing along. "We've been sneaking out here and there for three months now," I said, snapping back into serious mode.
Hayley sighed and latched her lips back onto mine, scrambling to find an escape, any escape, from the reality she was stuck with.
Once she pulled away, she cuddled back into my chest and let out a shaky breath. "I want to watch the sun," she murmured, and she didn't sound like she was kidding. Though I found the thought somewhat absurd, not to mention boring, I knew Hayley well enough to not make any sarcastic comment on what she wanted. I'd just give it to her.

It took a while for me to find my jeans in the mess of clothing that lay sprawled on Hayley's bedroom floor, but I found the pair nonetheless and pulled it over my legs hastily, nearly tripping and landing face-first into the carpet. Hayley was already pressed against her bedroom window, looking up at the sky, wrapped up in nothing but the bed sheets. Her small, fragile body makes her look so damn weak. I guess I could now understand why she was scared to face Chad. I was scared for her, too. Maybe I should just face him. I could take a punch or two, if it happened. I'd take any sort of pain if it was for Hayley.

The sun outside was barely over the horizon, still rising and painting the sky shades of blue, yellow, and orange, creating a sky I'd never seen before in my life (then again, I'd never woken up this early before). Hayley was completely immersed in it, her eyes looking straight ahead and focusing on nothing else but the wide sky. It looked like the girl was in an entirely different universe, sitting so still like that.

But me? I couldn't keep my eyes on that sky for even a second. Sitting next to Hayley made focusing very difficult. Hell, she made everything difficult. She was the only one I had my eyes on.

I stared intently at her face, so delicate, white....like a porcelain doll. Her eyelashes extended from her eyes just so, and her lips were still smooth and carved perfectly. The light hit her face at just the right angle, making her glow, like an angel.

I just wish I could keep her for myself. Nothing standing between us anymore. Sure, that sounded selfish, but it was the truth.

I feel like a sticker sometimes, just hanging on to her, sticking in a relationship as the "extra guy", even though I knew it was me Hayley really loved. So maybe it was Chad that was the sticker? I don't know. Regardless, I didn't like any of it.

How did all this ridiculous adultery start, anyways?

Oh right. The day after Chad went back to his tour.

-+-

Hayley looked radiant the morning she came to visit my house. I knew the reason for her visit-today was my birthday. It was kind of perfect how Chad wasn't there to take up her time that day, or come with her to this party. If he had come, I would have spent the entire time eyeing them discreetly, jealous that his hand was curled around her waist, that his lips were latched onto hers.
But no-he wasn't here. The two had said their goodbyes, she had escorted him into the airport, and they shared that final goodbye kiss.
God, I felt so sorry for myself. I was hopeless.
If only she knew how I felt. If only she knew how pathetically jealous I was of their relationship. Why did I ever let her go?

I could feel the tension between us once she slithered by me and slipped into my house. I hoped she still felt welcome here. She must have felt so unwanted, excluded, afraid of everyone. Since Chad was there to keep her busy, she had never really dropped by to even say hello anymore. I could imagine how much of a stranger she felt to this house.

The silence between us was awkward, and I was determined to break it.

"Everyone's out in the back," I began, pointing towards the back door. You're so stupid Josh. She already knows where it is. It's not like she's never been in your house before.
I cleared my throat and escorted her towards the backyard, a bit concerned when not a word came out from her mouth. I silently begged for a greeting, a nod, some sort of acknowledgement that assured me she knew I was here.
"Happy birthday," she began, so lowly that I almost asked her to repeat.
"Thanks," I replied awkwardly, a hand plastered to the back of my neck.
"I don't really feel like greeting everyone," she began, pausing when we finally got to the back door. "Could we go to your room instead? I haven't been there in a while. I kind of miss it."

I took that as a good sign, and nodded, cracking a smile when we headed up the stairs. She didn't want to go outside, and I couldn't blame her. I could just imagine the awkwardness that would ensue between my family and her. They weren't going to be as welcoming as before. Probably. I mean, come on, the girl hasn't been in this house for months!

Hayley was the one to open my bedroom door, and from the corner of my eye I caught her smile. So far, so good.

"You don't re-decorate much," she noted, her voice making all the built up tension in me dissolve. I felt comfortable again. I guess I always felt comfortable in my room.
"Yeah, I guess I don't," I answered, quickly glancing over the place. It did look the same. It looked just like it did back in middle school, except for the bed. That was bigger.
"Been writing new material, I see," she continued, grabbing a few papers off of my bedside table. I choked on my breath as she took them. Oh no, not those. Anything but those.
I held my breath and watched as her eyes scrolled over the papers, her hand absently tightening on them as she read. "Those are nothing..." I began, though I knew they were far from "nothing".
"Is this true?" She asked, looking up at me, her green eyes glazed with fear or sadness-I wasn't quite sure.
"They're just stupid letters."
"You still love me?"
I gulped and held in my words, truly unsure of what to say to her at that moment. You're so stupid. Why'd you take her up here in the first place? All your love letters to her are up here. She was never supposed to read them. God, you're stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Ugh.
"Well I..."
Hayley sat up from my bed and gripped those papers in her hands, and by then I had expected her to run out of my room and cry, but the actions that followed after surprised me.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her shaky lips against mine, and in that moment, all the jealousy, passion, lust, and love that I felt for her spilled out, our lips moving in a perfect, coordinated pattern. Her body pressed up against mine only made the stupid hormones stir in me, driving me crazy. I swear I was ready to lift her up and twirl her around in this room. Stay still and don't do anything too crazy, my conscience reminded me. The beating of my heart nearly drowned it out.

I groaned as her lips had pulled back from mine, for I was desperate for more of her.

"Wow," was what she said first, a smile lighting her perfect lips, making me loose my balance a bit.

She looked at me and stroked my cheek with her hand, playing with my hair. "I can't believe how great that felt."

-+-

My lips twitched upward after I re-lived that memory, a moment in my life that I will never, ever forget. I loved being in love, but I hated that Chad was still in the picture. I couldn't take that fact. Hayley and I needed to be together, no more secrets, no more lies, no more hiding from everyone.
I made a feeble dash for her wrist, and she jumped at my touch, the fear visible in her eyes as she looked at me. "Sorry," I began, loosening my grip. Once her eyes had softened, I took that as my cue to speak again. "Hayley....please just...just promise me everything will be alright."
She looked at me, puzzled, and paused for a moment. I could see a hint of a smile on her lips. She stroked my cheek with the back of her hand, and her half-smile turned into a full smile. The wonderful look on her face making me go numb. "Tell me that you love me," she said.
"Huh?"
"Just say it," she replied firmly.
"Okay. Hayley...I love you."
With a one nod, she said, "Good. Because I love you too. And love is the answer to everything."
She had me confused for a moment, my head unable to process what she had just said. Those words just went through one ear and out the other. I hadn't a clue what she meant.
And so I just asked a different question, a variation of the first one. "Uh...Hayley, could you just tell me the answer to all our problems, please?"
She shook her head and faced me, her face implying that she thought I was just a stupid moron.

"Sweetheart, I thought I told ya."

Tell me that you love me.
And it'll be alright.
Are you thinking of me?
Just come with me tonight.
You know I need you.
Just like you need me.
Can't stop, Won't stop.
I must be dreaming.