joemqi

My usual morning routine consisted of washing my face and then leaning against the bathroom wall, back to the past, back to when I was hurting myself, but today, I decided I'd shake it up a bit. Have a bit of cereal, give myself some food, and start taking care of myself again. It was pitiful the way I let my health go, the way I just stopped caring. But something unbeknownst to me just told me I needed to gain that spark again. Eating was a start. I was so horribly thin-it was funny what harm and lack of food could do to a person.

I fixed myself a breakfast and avoided the bathroom. It's been over three weeks since the drama, and the whole thing was dying down. The scene in the cafeteria was long forgotten, and I was just another one of Josh's "girls". However, based on observation, it seemed as if he and I were holding in our pain, forcing hurtful glances towards each other when we needed to, and just suffering in silence. Josh seemed to go back to who he was, chasing after girls again. It was disappointing. I thought I got through to him, but evidently I wasn't enough. He promised he'd change. I guess now that he didn't have me, the good influence, he started to drift back to old ways. It sounds snobbish, saying that I was the one who changed him, but it was true in a way. He did change when I was with him. But I guess all good things must come to an end.

Jack was really my only friend through all of this. I can confide to the guy and I've learned to spill all my feelings to him. It's easy, and he listens. I'm thankful that we're friends again. I'm thankful I at least have one person to talk to and not suffer as a loner.

I finished up with my cereal and got dressed in a long sleeved shirt, although spring was coming right around the corner and the weather wasn't freezing anymore. Oh well. I needed to cover up these marks of shame on my wrists. I realized how close we were getting to the end of the year. The end of high school. I never really thought of the future...I didn't want to end up as boring as my mother. I mean, her life seems a little out of whack, and hopefully mine would be more exciting.

I began my walk to school and arrived right on time. The bell rang the moment I got there, and once entering the chemistry room I tried to smile at Josh but instead set it into a frown. I didn't know why I couldn't be happy when he was around. I was trying, though.

The next two periods included Josh and Nicole. I didn't talk to Nicole. I never did after that cafeteria incident. When we were forced to talk, of course I would, but otherwise we never chatted as friends. I still felt that she had some genuine concern for me, but I don't know-it wasn't enough. She was part of that trio, and they, along with the plan, ruined my life already.

Letting Josh explain to me sounded like a wonderful idea right now, but it's too late for that.

I let class pass by and the boring nature of everything just happen. I sat quietly. I was alone at brunch. I sat through fourth and fifth period, as well. Lectures. Listening. No participation...well, from me at least.

I could tell the girls did notice my changing behavior and quietness, and only Cara questioned me about it, but that was a long time ago and I gave her a rude answer. She learned to stop caring for me. She ignored me. Valerie was ignorant a long time ago. We also haven't talked since.

I don't miss them. I can't say that I do.

At lunch I made my way out of my class and knew where I was headed-towards the back of the school to act as a loner. Jack would probably join me, though I knew he had his own friends and sometimes felt guilty the way he was forcing himself to spend time with me instead of his friends. Or maybe he just cared a lot.

Before I was even half way to my usual spot at lunch, Nicole stopped me and took me by surprise. The sudden appearance made me jump internally, not used to her and her presence. She tried to smile at me, however I could see that she was having a tough time trying to set it on her face. Her hand flocked to her sides and into her jean pockets as she stood in front of me. "Hey Hayley," she began shyly, shaking just the slightest bit.

"Er...hey, Nicole," I replied awkwardly, feeling strange and questioning things in my head.

"Can I talk to you? Can...can we talk to you?" She continued cautiously, her eyes never making pure contact with mine.

"Sure."

She began walking towards a classroom and I knew she wanted me to follow, so I did. Then I realized that the two other girls, Cara and Valerie, were standing there.

"What's up?" I began casually, though the awkward nature of the situation was really getting to me.

"We have something important to tell you," Cara said, speaking up. I found her voice strange to hear, after not speaking with her for weeks. It seemed different, but that was probably due to the whole "not speaking to each other" fact.

"I don't mean to bring back any bad memories, but remember that party Josh took you to?"

I cringed and felt sick as the thought re-lived itself. I saw Josh back in that pool, wet because I had pushed him in. I saw the curl of that girl's lips around Josh's, and remembered the pain....

"You remember the girl? Who...kissed Josh?" Cara continued. I sure as hell did. That Barbie girl.

"I hired her to be there," Valerie chimed in, finally speaking.

A breath lodged itself in my throat.

It was all coming back to me. Josh was so confused, so baffled and speechless at the time. He had a hard time explaining, and now I knew why. He had never seen the girl in his life. She forced herself onto him, kissing him unexpectedly...and I didn't even let him explain.

I stayed silent, although all I wanted to do was cry myself to death and scream at the top of my lungs. The answer was so blunt and hit me like a wrecking ball.

STUPID. STUPID. STUPID GIRL.

I let out a small groan at the realization. Josh didn't cheat. He'd never. And I was so stupid to think he would. The bottled up, ridiculous pride had to win and ruin my life.

I looked up at Valerie with my mouth hanging slightly. "Why?" I finally muttered.

"We just wanted to break you up. You guys were doing so well...I said I'd back off but the failure of the plan just got to me! I'm sorry, Hayley! Truly. Please," she paused, her eyes glazed with an apologetic look. She was begging me to forgive her. And she was ashamed.

"I can't believe I fell for this," I whispered, looking towards the ground, surrounded with complete disbelief. Josh, the best thing that ever happened to me, was gone. But he wasn't gone for good. I needed to do something. I needed to talk to him.

Most of you are probably saying "I knew it!" or something, haha. :) Sorry it took a while to update this. Maybe one more chapter left an a possible epilogue? This fic is wrapping itself up.